i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
