You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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