when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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