Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
