I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
