She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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