They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sorry about my life...
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
