Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
