You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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