i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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