I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
