Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
