Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
