Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
it's great music for shaving your balls
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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