I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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