Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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