New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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