Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
