Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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