i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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