My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
