Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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