it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
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