Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
