apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
