im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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