my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize