"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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