on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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