I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
