apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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