If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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