that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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