His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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