I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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