My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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