I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
