how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
