I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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