apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
