I'm eating all of the evidence.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
