You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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