Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
