I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize