I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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