I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize