Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
