Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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