New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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