Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
