woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
