i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
