best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
