I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
