im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
