i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
