nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
