the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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